20th New Year, Blueberry Hill Style
The first five households moved into Blueberry Hill at the end of 2000 -- we were one of them --and so we have now celebrated 20 New Years observances in this neighborhood. That's a chunk of a lifetime. For some of the people who were part of the festivities last night, it is 10/11 of their lives. For others of us, more like 1/3.
At midnight, there were about 20 of us sitting around a long table in the Common House, having spent the last four and a half hours together in six different houses doing our progressive dinner thing. It's the only night of the year where we make a plan to do something that requires so many hours of socializing and it works every time, even though most of us have usually been asleep for a while before midnight. Sitting across from me were two young women from two different families who had arrived at Blueberry Hill when they were two. They were deliciously cute way back then and they look almost exactly the same now, with longer bodies and legs and more sophistication in their clothing. For their whole lives they have been great friends -- they could be our best example of two people who have met at BBH and stayed close through all the years. And I can't quite believe that they chose to spend their New Years Eve with people who are mostly old enough to be their parents, even though they both had other plans and meant to leave early.
As we were walking from the first house (shrimp cocktail) to the second house (more appetizers), wine glasses in hand, we passed a pickup truck at the top of the greenway. It was full of domestic odds and ends, the last bits of a moving process. In the old days, we would all have known if someone was moving. We would have had a long time to say goodbye. In this case, two brothers who we had barely had a chance to know were on their way out. It seemed very sudden. These young men were renting space in a house that is now full of renters (more on that later, maybe) and the younger of the two had been enrolled at McLean High School. His older brother told me it wasn't working out for him and the 16 year old was going home -- to China. These boys are Uighurs. Surely it would be better to stay here than to go back to a country that tortures and jails you for your faith? I didn't say all of that as I said goodbye since I don't really know anything about their family. But here we are in an intentional community that is supposed to be including everyone, taking care of them, and right here in our midst are two people from a country that persecutes them -- and they aren't choosing to stay. They say their mother is making him go back home.
This brief intersection with immigrants in need of more help shows how ineffective we can be, even here. Of course it could be that he was homesick, his English was not strong enough to allow him to feel a part of his school, and his mother knew it would be better if he came home. It could just be that. But we didn't know them well enough because we are still not sure what to do with a household full of people who didn't mean to come to a cohousing community. We tried to do what we usually do, which is invite them to everything we are doing, give them all the information on what this place is about, but we did not really make a connection. They were very sweet, they smiled a lot, we had no idea what was going on.
When we built this place and we wrote our documents, we never imagined that someone would buy a house without wanting to be here. But it has now happened three times in 19 years and at the moment there are three houses full of renters that we mostly don't know. We have nothing against renters if they choose to be here to be part of our vision. It is disorienting to have uninterested people amongst us.
BUT, how else will we be able to change the world?! There will always be disinterested people or even people with strong opinions that oppose ours. While we may not have anticipated this situation, we can still do our best to make it work. As I say way too frequently, everything good takes time. It will take time for us to find our way into relationship with these people who don't seem very curious and are far too busy to start being intentional about their living situation. They have enough going on. There is really no other path than to try to connect with them, in whatever way works.
On the positive side, there are multiple households here who had almost no idea what they were getting into but thought it sounded good. Everyone wants a safe place to live where people know your name. But it is much more than that and over time these new folks have found out how much good can come out of being part of this. Last night at midnight there were two couples with seven children between them -- and all seven of those children were in bed asleep while their parents were just a few feet away drinking wine and playing charades and laughing a lot in the Common House. One of the dads is just about to be deployed in the Navy, commanding a ship for four years (FOUR YEARS!!), leaving his wife and children here with us. They all know this is a good home base and we will be here for them.
Someone who I barely know but who is the sister-in-law of a man I knew from the time I was born, she has been on my annual letter list for many years because she wants to be. This year she wrote, " I still live in this unofficial, but real community that thinks it's just an apartment building, but it's a true co-operative." That sounds so perfect to me, neighbors finding themselves in the same place and creating community. Even better than going to all the trouble of building the ideal neighborhood. There are neighborhoods everywhere that have this success, and we need more, more, more. We need people to take it for granted that they will know the folks around them and they will have regular occasions to be together and know each other better. And sometimes there will be a time when there is a need, and the need can be met. The part that most people don't believe and don't want to believe is that you really do NOT need to like or love everyone. You need to want to be in relationship for lots of good reasons. You don't have to be great friends.
Last night it felt like we were all great friends, and that is because we know each other well enough to cook for each other, eat together, joke, tell stories, and know what is happening in each other's lives. That is basically enough. At 11:40 when we had finished all the charades clues (I never ever remember playing charades with my neighbors but Betsy made us), one person suggested we do a quick go-round reflecting on the year that was and the year that is coming. My first reaction was ugh, that sounds like work. But we did it quick and people reflected honestly and it was totally, absolutely worth it. It is ALWAYS worth it to learn more about the people around you. You just care about them more by knowing what is going on.
And so, my wish for everyone everywhere is that you have the privilege of getting to know the people you work with, the people you live near, and your own families by taking the time to sit down and find out what is happening with them. And then we can keep trying to change the world.
At midnight, there were about 20 of us sitting around a long table in the Common House, having spent the last four and a half hours together in six different houses doing our progressive dinner thing. It's the only night of the year where we make a plan to do something that requires so many hours of socializing and it works every time, even though most of us have usually been asleep for a while before midnight. Sitting across from me were two young women from two different families who had arrived at Blueberry Hill when they were two. They were deliciously cute way back then and they look almost exactly the same now, with longer bodies and legs and more sophistication in their clothing. For their whole lives they have been great friends -- they could be our best example of two people who have met at BBH and stayed close through all the years. And I can't quite believe that they chose to spend their New Years Eve with people who are mostly old enough to be their parents, even though they both had other plans and meant to leave early.
As we were walking from the first house (shrimp cocktail) to the second house (more appetizers), wine glasses in hand, we passed a pickup truck at the top of the greenway. It was full of domestic odds and ends, the last bits of a moving process. In the old days, we would all have known if someone was moving. We would have had a long time to say goodbye. In this case, two brothers who we had barely had a chance to know were on their way out. It seemed very sudden. These young men were renting space in a house that is now full of renters (more on that later, maybe) and the younger of the two had been enrolled at McLean High School. His older brother told me it wasn't working out for him and the 16 year old was going home -- to China. These boys are Uighurs. Surely it would be better to stay here than to go back to a country that tortures and jails you for your faith? I didn't say all of that as I said goodbye since I don't really know anything about their family. But here we are in an intentional community that is supposed to be including everyone, taking care of them, and right here in our midst are two people from a country that persecutes them -- and they aren't choosing to stay. They say their mother is making him go back home.
This brief intersection with immigrants in need of more help shows how ineffective we can be, even here. Of course it could be that he was homesick, his English was not strong enough to allow him to feel a part of his school, and his mother knew it would be better if he came home. It could just be that. But we didn't know them well enough because we are still not sure what to do with a household full of people who didn't mean to come to a cohousing community. We tried to do what we usually do, which is invite them to everything we are doing, give them all the information on what this place is about, but we did not really make a connection. They were very sweet, they smiled a lot, we had no idea what was going on.
When we built this place and we wrote our documents, we never imagined that someone would buy a house without wanting to be here. But it has now happened three times in 19 years and at the moment there are three houses full of renters that we mostly don't know. We have nothing against renters if they choose to be here to be part of our vision. It is disorienting to have uninterested people amongst us.
BUT, how else will we be able to change the world?! There will always be disinterested people or even people with strong opinions that oppose ours. While we may not have anticipated this situation, we can still do our best to make it work. As I say way too frequently, everything good takes time. It will take time for us to find our way into relationship with these people who don't seem very curious and are far too busy to start being intentional about their living situation. They have enough going on. There is really no other path than to try to connect with them, in whatever way works.
On the positive side, there are multiple households here who had almost no idea what they were getting into but thought it sounded good. Everyone wants a safe place to live where people know your name. But it is much more than that and over time these new folks have found out how much good can come out of being part of this. Last night at midnight there were two couples with seven children between them -- and all seven of those children were in bed asleep while their parents were just a few feet away drinking wine and playing charades and laughing a lot in the Common House. One of the dads is just about to be deployed in the Navy, commanding a ship for four years (FOUR YEARS!!), leaving his wife and children here with us. They all know this is a good home base and we will be here for them.
Someone who I barely know but who is the sister-in-law of a man I knew from the time I was born, she has been on my annual letter list for many years because she wants to be. This year she wrote, " I still live in this unofficial, but real community that thinks it's just an apartment building, but it's a true co-operative." That sounds so perfect to me, neighbors finding themselves in the same place and creating community. Even better than going to all the trouble of building the ideal neighborhood. There are neighborhoods everywhere that have this success, and we need more, more, more. We need people to take it for granted that they will know the folks around them and they will have regular occasions to be together and know each other better. And sometimes there will be a time when there is a need, and the need can be met. The part that most people don't believe and don't want to believe is that you really do NOT need to like or love everyone. You need to want to be in relationship for lots of good reasons. You don't have to be great friends.
Last night it felt like we were all great friends, and that is because we know each other well enough to cook for each other, eat together, joke, tell stories, and know what is happening in each other's lives. That is basically enough. At 11:40 when we had finished all the charades clues (I never ever remember playing charades with my neighbors but Betsy made us), one person suggested we do a quick go-round reflecting on the year that was and the year that is coming. My first reaction was ugh, that sounds like work. But we did it quick and people reflected honestly and it was totally, absolutely worth it. It is ALWAYS worth it to learn more about the people around you. You just care about them more by knowing what is going on.
And so, my wish for everyone everywhere is that you have the privilege of getting to know the people you work with, the people you live near, and your own families by taking the time to sit down and find out what is happening with them. And then we can keep trying to change the world.
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