They Just Don't Want to Brag!
Every Friday we have an extra long meeting in Loudoun where we sit around (and keep our hands busy, cleaning onions or garlic or leeks) and talk. We started doing this last year, I think, when I realized it was an opportunity that we shouldn't miss. I am not often in Loudoun with everyone at the beginning of the day -- they are able to do it all without me, which is great -- so this was a chance for all of us to get to know something about each other each week.
Even though I always say anyone can come up with a question, they are either too sleepy or too shy or just not so interested, so I usually concoct a prompt while I am picking flowers before the meeting. It needs to be something that everyone can answer with more than just a word, but not too complicated. Some examples: talk about your relationship to money right now, tell us what you imagine for yourself in ten years, what is causing you the most anxiety about this farm today, what is your favorite go-to activity when you are not working, what are you most curious about that you don't understand about the farm, if you could plan any event here what would it be. The answers are so interesting and revealing and we often learn new things.
Yesterday I felt like I wanted to hear what makes them proud about themselves so I said, brag a little. Tell us what you have learned or what you do (anywhere) that you can brag about. Radio silence. Really, not a sound. This is crazy because each of these people is talented in many different ways, they are all busy and smart, and they have all learned so much since we first met. But they didn't like the way the question was framed, I think. They didn't want to sit in a circle and brag about themselves.
So I said, I'll start. I am really proud of our potato crop this year. This is the first time that I can ever remember that we can feel like we actually grew potatoes. In all the previous years we got some, but we didn't get enough to feel particularly good about it. What makes me proud is that I was primarily responsible for all the steps. Of course I didn't do everything by myself but I managed all the tractor work -- from soil preparation all the way to digging -- and I made all the decisions about timing and I even ordered the seed potatoes myself. The weather was awesome and there were no bugs so I got a lot of help from the natural world.
Then, because they also wanted to be allowed to brag about someone else in the group, I said I am really proud of Isabel. I am proud of her for so many reasons but the one I chose specifically was that she wrote an insightful article for the last newsletter, a clear and well-written comparison between the skills of an industrial baker and a farmer. She has always been an incredible person (she has worked here on and off since she was in high school and now she is training to be an acupuncturist) and I am always in awe.
So then the group very reluctantly got started. They mostly wanted to brag about each other, which was fine, but that wasn't the true point. I wanted them to see for themselves how great they are. They have been trained from a very early age, apparently, not to show off. Slowly slowly they found little glimmers of ideas about what makes them proud. One was proud of the quality of their work, one was proud to have survived this far, one was proud of the garbanzo beans she grew for the first time, Stephen was proud of the four holes he has dug as he gets ready to build the biggest building he has ever built.
What was so interesting to me was how easy it was for them to find things to say about each other. Appreciations flowed quickly. We are much less exposed when we say nice things about someone else than when we say nice things about ourselves.
I certainly don't want to live amongst people who brag all the time but it was eye opening to see how resistant they were to the invitation. I wonder if it is because we are almost all women in this group. I will say that the men didn't do any better, but they are generally surrounded by women so that may be an ongoing influence.
Next week I will think of something easier. I am looking for ideas, so if you have any, just send them along.
Even though I always say anyone can come up with a question, they are either too sleepy or too shy or just not so interested, so I usually concoct a prompt while I am picking flowers before the meeting. It needs to be something that everyone can answer with more than just a word, but not too complicated. Some examples: talk about your relationship to money right now, tell us what you imagine for yourself in ten years, what is causing you the most anxiety about this farm today, what is your favorite go-to activity when you are not working, what are you most curious about that you don't understand about the farm, if you could plan any event here what would it be. The answers are so interesting and revealing and we often learn new things.
Yesterday I felt like I wanted to hear what makes them proud about themselves so I said, brag a little. Tell us what you have learned or what you do (anywhere) that you can brag about. Radio silence. Really, not a sound. This is crazy because each of these people is talented in many different ways, they are all busy and smart, and they have all learned so much since we first met. But they didn't like the way the question was framed, I think. They didn't want to sit in a circle and brag about themselves.
So I said, I'll start. I am really proud of our potato crop this year. This is the first time that I can ever remember that we can feel like we actually grew potatoes. In all the previous years we got some, but we didn't get enough to feel particularly good about it. What makes me proud is that I was primarily responsible for all the steps. Of course I didn't do everything by myself but I managed all the tractor work -- from soil preparation all the way to digging -- and I made all the decisions about timing and I even ordered the seed potatoes myself. The weather was awesome and there were no bugs so I got a lot of help from the natural world.
Then, because they also wanted to be allowed to brag about someone else in the group, I said I am really proud of Isabel. I am proud of her for so many reasons but the one I chose specifically was that she wrote an insightful article for the last newsletter, a clear and well-written comparison between the skills of an industrial baker and a farmer. She has always been an incredible person (she has worked here on and off since she was in high school and now she is training to be an acupuncturist) and I am always in awe.
So then the group very reluctantly got started. They mostly wanted to brag about each other, which was fine, but that wasn't the true point. I wanted them to see for themselves how great they are. They have been trained from a very early age, apparently, not to show off. Slowly slowly they found little glimmers of ideas about what makes them proud. One was proud of the quality of their work, one was proud to have survived this far, one was proud of the garbanzo beans she grew for the first time, Stephen was proud of the four holes he has dug as he gets ready to build the biggest building he has ever built.
What was so interesting to me was how easy it was for them to find things to say about each other. Appreciations flowed quickly. We are much less exposed when we say nice things about someone else than when we say nice things about ourselves.
I certainly don't want to live amongst people who brag all the time but it was eye opening to see how resistant they were to the invitation. I wonder if it is because we are almost all women in this group. I will say that the men didn't do any better, but they are generally surrounded by women so that may be an ongoing influence.
Next week I will think of something easier. I am looking for ideas, so if you have any, just send them along.
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