The Question of Asking for Help
In a recent post, I made a brief comment about Jon's reluctance to ask for help. He is not unique in this, but I think people all have different reasons for not asking, and other people at the other end of the spectrum don't know what they are asking sometimes when they ask for help.
Living in Blueberry Hill, a community that is always learning what it takes to be a community, we get to ask for help a lot. Every few days there is a request for a ride to the airport, always granted by someone. We could call a taxi but we really don't need to -- someone is generally available to make that simple trip, and you get to talk to a neighbor in the car for 20 minutes. It is easy to ask and easy to give.
There are other low level requests all the time -- for ingredients, for advice on a plumbing issue, for dog walking, for being available to receive a package. I think that in general all of those requests are granted by someone.
Because we have lived here for a good long time now, most of us know each other pretty well. We know who is good at what. We have a good sense of what our resources are. We are pretty rich, when it comes to granting simple wishes.
In our work world, meaning the larger farm community, we all ask for help all the time. I get emails asking if I have any extra workers for an afternoon, or how I might handle a sticky situation. A few years ago a farmer friend broke his foot while playing basketball and he was unable to do his real job for a couple of months. Of course there were many ways for him to contribute to his family, but he couldn't drive a tractor or carry anything. A number of farms managed to contribute enough time and talent to keep that farm going, and we got to know that farm a lot better in the process. Similar things have happened on various farms, and we all help to keep things going -- one summer when Heinz was down and out with Lyme Disease, we drove down to his farm and got his market load for three weeks in a row, selling at the busy and challenging Dupont Circle market for him. He could manage to struggle the load together but he could not do the full-on work it took to drive, unload, sell, load, drive home. It was a big ask, and we managed it. Our friendship deepened with that experience.
A long time ago, when I used to go to market every week, there was a restaurant owner from down the street who rubbed me the wrong way all the time by asking for deals, trying to bargain, generally being a non-compliant customer. I did not feel kindly toward him. We were culturally incompatible. But one day it was blazing hot and incredibly uncomfortable and I was feeling desperate about needing a place to nurse Benjamin. When that man came to the stand, I realized he could help me. And I asked him if I could nurse my baby in the back of his air conditioned restaurant. He was instantly solicitous and ready to help. After that encounter, we were friends. He treated me with respect and care, and I didn't feel so grumpy when he came to see what he could get for his restaurant. He was glad to be asked for something, and glad to be able to give, and it turned things around for us.
There are many angles to this asking for help question. If you find a way to ask for help that can be granted with relative ease, you can ask almost anyone. If you need something bigger, you need to have a relationship bank account to draw on. And it doesn't work for something big if you don't already have a relationship. It is inappropriate and awkward, actually. The act of asking and giving can create a bond that can deepen a previously shallow relationship. If you ask, then you must also be ready to give when someone else asks.
As always, it is about the community that you belong to. There is a lot of research and thinking going on about why we need community, and there is no question about our human need to be connected. Part of the reason is so that we have someone to ask when we need help. And that it feels right to be asked, and to be able to give. Nowadays, not everyone can rely on family. Lots of people don't live anywhere near their family (that just seems wrong, but I know they have their reasons), so it is even more important to create those connections with the people who surround you.
In Jon's case, it's not about lacking connections. For him, he prefers to solve problems on his own whenever possible. He wants to tackle the issues and find the solutions. He resists my impulse to ask for and accept help. When I was down on the couch, he didn't want us to ask for anything. Of course I asked for whatever I wanted to ask for, and part of that is giving everyone the opportunity to build relationships with us. It's not only about getting help, it's about knowing people more deeply.
It kills me to think about all those neighborhoods where people don't know each other. We should be taught, starting at the very beginning of life, that knowing the people who live around you will be very important, always. I have friends who tell me they don't know the names of the people next door. That is outrageous and unconscionable. There should be regular block parties all over this country so people will be ready and able to take care of each other.
You don't actually have to like the people who ask you for help, nor do you have to like the people you give help to. It makes it all much easier, but it is not a requirement. And, as I already said, when you do give/get help, it changes your relationship immediately. Let's all just try to be more ready to be asked.
Living in Blueberry Hill, a community that is always learning what it takes to be a community, we get to ask for help a lot. Every few days there is a request for a ride to the airport, always granted by someone. We could call a taxi but we really don't need to -- someone is generally available to make that simple trip, and you get to talk to a neighbor in the car for 20 minutes. It is easy to ask and easy to give.
There are other low level requests all the time -- for ingredients, for advice on a plumbing issue, for dog walking, for being available to receive a package. I think that in general all of those requests are granted by someone.
Because we have lived here for a good long time now, most of us know each other pretty well. We know who is good at what. We have a good sense of what our resources are. We are pretty rich, when it comes to granting simple wishes.
In our work world, meaning the larger farm community, we all ask for help all the time. I get emails asking if I have any extra workers for an afternoon, or how I might handle a sticky situation. A few years ago a farmer friend broke his foot while playing basketball and he was unable to do his real job for a couple of months. Of course there were many ways for him to contribute to his family, but he couldn't drive a tractor or carry anything. A number of farms managed to contribute enough time and talent to keep that farm going, and we got to know that farm a lot better in the process. Similar things have happened on various farms, and we all help to keep things going -- one summer when Heinz was down and out with Lyme Disease, we drove down to his farm and got his market load for three weeks in a row, selling at the busy and challenging Dupont Circle market for him. He could manage to struggle the load together but he could not do the full-on work it took to drive, unload, sell, load, drive home. It was a big ask, and we managed it. Our friendship deepened with that experience.
A long time ago, when I used to go to market every week, there was a restaurant owner from down the street who rubbed me the wrong way all the time by asking for deals, trying to bargain, generally being a non-compliant customer. I did not feel kindly toward him. We were culturally incompatible. But one day it was blazing hot and incredibly uncomfortable and I was feeling desperate about needing a place to nurse Benjamin. When that man came to the stand, I realized he could help me. And I asked him if I could nurse my baby in the back of his air conditioned restaurant. He was instantly solicitous and ready to help. After that encounter, we were friends. He treated me with respect and care, and I didn't feel so grumpy when he came to see what he could get for his restaurant. He was glad to be asked for something, and glad to be able to give, and it turned things around for us.
There are many angles to this asking for help question. If you find a way to ask for help that can be granted with relative ease, you can ask almost anyone. If you need something bigger, you need to have a relationship bank account to draw on. And it doesn't work for something big if you don't already have a relationship. It is inappropriate and awkward, actually. The act of asking and giving can create a bond that can deepen a previously shallow relationship. If you ask, then you must also be ready to give when someone else asks.
As always, it is about the community that you belong to. There is a lot of research and thinking going on about why we need community, and there is no question about our human need to be connected. Part of the reason is so that we have someone to ask when we need help. And that it feels right to be asked, and to be able to give. Nowadays, not everyone can rely on family. Lots of people don't live anywhere near their family (that just seems wrong, but I know they have their reasons), so it is even more important to create those connections with the people who surround you.
In Jon's case, it's not about lacking connections. For him, he prefers to solve problems on his own whenever possible. He wants to tackle the issues and find the solutions. He resists my impulse to ask for and accept help. When I was down on the couch, he didn't want us to ask for anything. Of course I asked for whatever I wanted to ask for, and part of that is giving everyone the opportunity to build relationships with us. It's not only about getting help, it's about knowing people more deeply.
It kills me to think about all those neighborhoods where people don't know each other. We should be taught, starting at the very beginning of life, that knowing the people who live around you will be very important, always. I have friends who tell me they don't know the names of the people next door. That is outrageous and unconscionable. There should be regular block parties all over this country so people will be ready and able to take care of each other.
You don't actually have to like the people who ask you for help, nor do you have to like the people you give help to. It makes it all much easier, but it is not a requirement. And, as I already said, when you do give/get help, it changes your relationship immediately. Let's all just try to be more ready to be asked.
What a great topic - love your wisdom on this. Thanks, as always.
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