Letting Go

So there is this whole new concept that I have never spent much time contemplating, but apparently it is well known by people who meditate or who speak a language I haven't learned (therapist type talk).  In the last week, I have been thinking about what I wrote about last Sunday -- A LOT -- because I had my buttons pushed very hard in interactions with the neighbor that was at the heart of the last story. I almost can't remember all that I was feeling last Sunday. I was feeling magnanimous and generous and full of Irish priest hope.  And then by the end of the day I was feeling vengeful and ungenerous and full of unfriendly thoughts.  This went on for about a whole day, and it was quite unsettling.

So what is going on with that?  I have the extreme good fortune to have resources: people to talk to, people to help me think, people to bring me back to my normal self.  Out of these conversations came a whole new way of considering the situation. I am amazed at the peace it has brought me already.

What I have been taught in the last week, at least in concept, is that there are some things I truly cannot change. I cannot control all that I hope to control. And I have to be nice to myself about that. What a crazy thought.  I had zero trouble, none at all, doing that for myself when we learned that I had cancer.  Somehow that was beyond my control and I knew it and I figured out that I needed to take care of what was within my grasp -- pain management, rest, accepting care, accepting love. That was easy somehow. This is harder, finding a situation that I feel strongly about that is outside of my power to change.

This same idea comes up in various forms on the meditation app that I talked about early in the life of this blog -- Headspace.  It's not about giving up or saying that nothing matters. It's about figuring out that you don't have to feel such a strong reactions, you don't have to fall into the same hole every time you walk up to it.  What a concept. So this week I am going to have the opportunity to see whether I can start teaching myself to see the hole well before I get to it, and walk around it instead of just falling in.  Falling in, in this case, means allowing myself to get angry and upset.  If I don't do that, then I have a lot of options.

After those conversations, I have felt like myself again.  And the weather has been incredible, absolutely delightful. It rained but we needed it.  Nothing got ruined, which was excellent. We have enjoyed two seders with two different sets of friends, we are now going to SIX markets a week all of a sudden. I feel like I am back to my old self, in terms of health and strength, and it is really possible that the acupuncture is starting to kick in.  In any case, I am getting used to the routine and my knee seems to be less swollen. I don't think it is my imagination. I am back to swimming with vigor instead of carefully, so I don't hurt my side.

And tomorrow I start radiation. I have done what the acupuncturist has prescribed -- I have found more joy, more laughter, I have found my balance again. I am not very worried about this medical procedure but I am sure it won't be a lot of fun.  Five sessions. You can bet I will report on it because I am the opposite of Jon, I tell all the embarrassing stuff.


Comments

  1. Betsy Murphy EricksonApril 22, 2019 at 12:27 PM

    It's a familiar concept in support groups like Al-Anon, where people with a loved one with addiction issues try to "lovingly detach" and remember that whole Serenity Prayer thing. A concept I have found helpful is to remind yourself that you didn't cause the problem, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

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