Following Other People's Lead

So, a few years ago Nell told me that the next frontier was learning to meditate.  She gave me a hardback book to read, called Mindfulness, and told me it was worth it.  Some in her family had learned to meditate and it was good. I tried to read the book and it just seemed like too much work, with too many exercises and you had to be so self-motivated. I decided it was not for me.

But then a year ago at Thanksgiving I mentioned something to Alissa about meditating, and she said she was practicing and she had an app that she had learned about from Christi. I trust all of these people implicitly -- Nell, Alissa and Christi -- they are all intellectually trustworthy.  The app, called Headspace, had a free trial for a week.

This method of learning to meditate is like having someone unwrap a popsicle for you and put it in your mouth. There is no work involved at all except to open your mouth and let the popsicle melt. And you don't have to be good at it because who is judging you? No one.  You just have to take the few minutes, sit down with your ever-present phone and listen to this dreamy voice (I am sure this is why Headspace is so popular, this guy has the most luscious voice ever).  So, being me, I decided to practice with discipline. I did 180 days in a row -- the app is like those machines at the gym that keep track of stuff you don't even need.  It is somehow inspiring to be told that you are on a streak.  That is how gullible I am.

So -- I believe, after all this practicing, that this new skill that I am learning is part of the reason that I have managed to take this cancer/surgery/new life in stride. There is something different about my brain now than a year ago. It has the capacity to step back and look at stuff, not be so reactive. I am still feeling trepidation about what is to come, but I am not overwhelmed. No one knows why this works, no one can even say for sure what it is that is working, but I am here to say that I am glad I have been doing this practicing. Even if it has nothing to do with my sense of calm, truly, I can think that it does and placebos have been proven to work.

Benjamin comes home this afternoon. That feels delicious. I don't know where he will find a place to inhabit, since I have staked out the couch that my children usually live on. I feel just like them, as I lie here with my laptop. I have never had the need or desire to lie on my back and type, but now I get it.  Someday I will cross the line and actually watch a movie on a laptop. That seems like the height of decadence.

All around me, new life crises are unfolding and I can't really participate except by typing.  I am thinking about an elderly friend in the hospital, about a friend whose father just died suddenly, about a caregiver friend who just broke her arm and is now feeling really frustrated, about some friends who are completely homebound with one who has ALS and one who is the full time care provider.  I will be back in the world in short order and will again be able to be part of the solution instead of adding to the ocean of need.